Ask The Gooch [Archives]

From:
Arvind's Mom, Chennai, India

 

Dear Gooch,

My son recently asked me to buy him Choad Cheese snowboard wax because he spends all of his own money on rum and lift tickets. Would you please explain to me what a choad is, and why I should buy it instead of SWIX?

Sincerely yours,
Arvind's Mom

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Hello Arvind's Mom,

Thanks for emailing me- I've been asking Arvind for your Palaak Paneer recipe for like two years and he won't cough it up. Every time I ask him (or a girl is obviously flirting with him at the Rat), he's like "dude, let's go wax our boards." So whadya say? Can I have it? Hmmmm?

Anyway, back to you're questions. The choad, my dear woman is a male reproductive organ which has a diameter equal to it's length. Imagine a tuna can if you will. However, many men and boys refer to their apparatus as their 'choad' even though only a infinitesimal fraction of us possess the dimensional extremes of a true choad. Milton Berle, Abraham Lincoln and Jimmy, the maitre d' at Pho Hung on Powell are a few more well-known possessors of the choad.

Your second question is easy. If you wanted to punish your son Arvind for his binge-drinking, chain-smoking ways, he could probably make due just hot waxing with a scented candle instead of buying pricey snowboard wax. It would work better than nothing. But if you want performance, durability and some seriously rad stink- you gotta buy Choad Cheese. Swix probably works just as well but frankly, they're not making much of an effort. Swix is boring. Even toilet paper has better packaging. And they have no personality and no FUN. So, if you want Arvind to be boring and ride boring lines on boring snow with boring people, sure, go ahead and buy him some Swix. But, if you want FUN my good lady, it must be Choad Cheese.

So how about that recipe?

Yours,
The Gooch

 

 

Archives

Past letters to The Gooch:
El Dorado Rubenstein
> Arvind's Mom
Arvind's Mom (Again)

A History of The Gooch

It all began in 1938. The Gooch took a break from preparing the final draft of the Estonian Constitution and spent several humid days in the Estonian Outback. He and Sir Robert Vansittart, the permanent
under-secretary at the British Foreign Office, raged from dawn to dusk riding sick tree lines, a little halfpipe and bonking the multitudinous Estonian Valley Donkeys that frequently loitered in the lift lines.

Being humid, and early season, their bases took quite a beating after several days and with no shred shops nearby they sat down to improvise some emergency wax. Choad Cheese Snowboard Wax was
born on January 28, 1938, coincidentally, the same day that the first ski tow in America began operation in Vermont. With little more than an ARC welder, some spruce resin and a ridiculous amount of donkey choad these two men created what we at Crack Grease consider to be the most sustainably-sourced and deliciously scented wax on the market today.

Choad Cheese Snowboard Wax is available in two temperature ranges, All-Temp and Cold-Temp.

 

Give Choad Cheese a try.

It's deliciously fast!

 

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